Darkness Loneliness & Me !!

I was sitting in the darkness and wondering what's wrong with me? Why is it that I love darkness so much? What about this darkness attracts me so much? Am I drawn to darkness or does darkness find me on its own? No nothing is wrong with me. At least not physically, or medically. Or at least I don't consider anything's wrong with me. I have no bias either for light or darkness. Both mean the same to me.

Darkness & Loneliness together form what I consider the loveliest combination for me. 'Alone in the dark' is something I love being. I try to run away from both light & people, although I've nothing to hide & no one to hide from.

Some people talk of being lonely as a -ve thing. People associate Darkness & Loneliness with fear, weakness even evil!! But to me that combination is a state of self realisation. I'm my best when I'm alone in the Dark!

That doesn't mean I hate being in a group, either a group of my friends or some strangers. I'm also not known to be bad in a team. In fact team work is one of my major strengths. Anyone who knows me or has worked with me will tell you that I'm a Gregarious & to some extent Garrulous person.

All that said, I still have no idea how these 2 Conflicting personalities exist within me at the same time? More than conflicting I believe the 2 personalities compliment each other & there is no hindrance of One from the other. I certainly don't feel there are 2 Separate personalities. I'm the same single person to me.

Guess someone with socio-psychological knowledge should study me as a subject & find out & tell me too, Although I know the reason I've become like this, I don't understand how I can be 2 completely different persons at the same time!

Why I can't stop Loving "my" Kids

Why do I get the feeling that I can take care of the kids better than their parents? They are the Ones who gave birth to them. They are the rightful caretakers of the kids & also their legal Guardians. The kids belong to them. I have no claim over them. I dont stand any chance trying so either.

But, something inside me pulls me towards them, binds me to them, holds me back from giving up on their care.

Maybe its my love towards them. That silliest of feeling which has no meaning anywhere or to anyone anytime, nor does it have any stand in this rule & law driven society.

Maybe it's the fact that they share 1/4 of my DNA. Biologically I'm closely related to them. The relation of blood is a very strong one Afterall. People have given & taken lives for blood relations. What with blood feuds.

Maybe a part of what I lost all those years ago now lives inside of them. In which case I'm looking for that part of myself which died with my father, in "my"kids. I'm trying to emulate my father in loving & caring for the kids as he cared for me when I was a kid.

Or Maybe I desperately need to hold on to something +ve in my own life. In which case its only my selfishness my means of survival without which a Nihilist like me may very well perish with no trace ever of any existence. No one will ever know I existed & no one will either remember or care that I was ever alive. These kids & their love & affection towards me will remind them of me even after my death. In that sense I can become Immortal, just as I've kept my father alive in me.

I consider myself out of the way lucky because Even God thinks I 'm unworthy of a family or social life. Let alone kids, he thinks I can't even handle my Own parents properly.

Whatever may be the case, Right now I've got a chance of a lifetime playing with the Kids, loving & Caring for them, & I'm not going to loose a single moment or chance of being with them. Even if anyone thinks I'm overdoing my role of an Uncle. Who knows when I'll be dead or when I'll have to face my Curse of eternal loneliness again.

So for now it's:

Live each day as if there's no tomorrow