Darkness Loneliness & Me !!

I was sitting in the darkness and wondering what's wrong with me? Why is it that I love darkness so much? What about this darkness attracts me so much? Am I drawn to darkness or does darkness find me on its own? No nothing is wrong with me. At least not physically, or medically. Or at least I don't consider anything's wrong with me. I have no bias either for light or darkness. Both mean the same to me.

Darkness & Loneliness together form what I consider the loveliest combination for me. 'Alone in the dark' is something I love being. I try to run away from both light & people, although I've nothing to hide & no one to hide from.

Some people talk of being lonely as a -ve thing. People associate Darkness & Loneliness with fear, weakness even evil!! But to me that combination is a state of self realisation. I'm my best when I'm alone in the Dark!

That doesn't mean I hate being in a group, either a group of my friends or some strangers. I'm also not known to be bad in a team. In fact team work is one of my major strengths. Anyone who knows me or has worked with me will tell you that I'm a Gregarious & to some extent Garrulous person.

All that said, I still have no idea how these 2 Conflicting personalities exist within me at the same time? More than conflicting I believe the 2 personalities compliment each other & there is no hindrance of One from the other. I certainly don't feel there are 2 Separate personalities. I'm the same single person to me.

Guess someone with socio-psychological knowledge should study me as a subject & find out & tell me too, Although I know the reason I've become like this, I don't understand how I can be 2 completely different persons at the same time!

Why I can't stop Loving "my" Kids

Why do I get the feeling that I can take care of the kids better than their parents? They are the Ones who gave birth to them. They are the rightful caretakers of the kids & also their legal Guardians. The kids belong to them. I have no claim over them. I dont stand any chance trying so either.

But, something inside me pulls me towards them, binds me to them, holds me back from giving up on their care.

Maybe its my love towards them. That silliest of feeling which has no meaning anywhere or to anyone anytime, nor does it have any stand in this rule & law driven society.

Maybe it's the fact that they share 1/4 of my DNA. Biologically I'm closely related to them. The relation of blood is a very strong one Afterall. People have given & taken lives for blood relations. What with blood feuds.

Maybe a part of what I lost all those years ago now lives inside of them. In which case I'm looking for that part of myself which died with my father, in "my"kids. I'm trying to emulate my father in loving & caring for the kids as he cared for me when I was a kid.

Or Maybe I desperately need to hold on to something +ve in my own life. In which case its only my selfishness my means of survival without which a Nihilist like me may very well perish with no trace ever of any existence. No one will ever know I existed & no one will either remember or care that I was ever alive. These kids & their love & affection towards me will remind them of me even after my death. In that sense I can become Immortal, just as I've kept my father alive in me.

I consider myself out of the way lucky because Even God thinks I 'm unworthy of a family or social life. Let alone kids, he thinks I can't even handle my Own parents properly.

Whatever may be the case, Right now I've got a chance of a lifetime playing with the Kids, loving & Caring for them, & I'm not going to loose a single moment or chance of being with them. Even if anyone thinks I'm overdoing my role of an Uncle. Who knows when I'll be dead or when I'll have to face my Curse of eternal loneliness again.

So for now it's:

Live each day as if there's no tomorrow

Kya hogaya sunder se is Duniya ko?

Ek Zamana aisa tha jab Duniya me keval achche log basaa karte the
Jo na keval apne apnonka khayal rakhte the balki doosron ka bhi khayal karte the.

Log sabhi se khule man se Milaa karte the, bhed bhaav na hota tha na kiya jaata tha. Kisi ko Kisi se koi shikayat nahi thi. Na Kisi ko Kisi ka Dar tha ki Kahin koi mera koi property na chura kar le jaaye.

Ab aisa ho gaya hai ki apne bhi apnonka khayal nahi karte! Doosron ka kya poochenge?

Aur to aur logon ka chhodo Duniya khud bhi itna badal gayee hai ki use kisika bhi khayal nahin. Use itnee bhi khabar nahin ki kaun uska khayal karta hai kaun uske bhale ke liye sochta hai aur kaun nahin. Yahan tak ki Bhagavaan bhi matlabi ho gaye hain. Aap unhe kuch rishwat de kar khush karo to badle main Woh aapki khwaaish poori karte hain. Yeh kaisi bhakti hai? Yeh kaisi Duniya hai? Jab bani thi tab aisi to nahin thi.

Bhavishya Puraan kehta hai ki Duniya is se bhi badttar hogi, aur neeche giregi. Tab Mahadev aa kar is bad haalat Duniya ka vinaash kar denge. Phir ek naye sire se iski shuruaat hogi. That is function of the Mahadev. To destroy evil!!

This is called the cycle of this world. It's not known when it will end or how long it will take to end, but surely it will end. It's also called the Judgment day in The Bible.

Signs of deterioration are all around us. What with women's insecurity, deterioration of the family, absolute disregard of intelligentsia, rule of the mob etc. These are all mentioned in that Puraan.

So let's hope the destruction of the world is not upon us in the near future.

Tere Bin Main Youn Kaise Jiya

Kab se aankhe meri
         Raah me tere bichee

Bhoole se hi kabhi
         Tu mil jaaye Kahin

Bhoole na mujhse
         Baaten Teri

Bheegi hai har pal
         Aankhe meri

Kyun saans loon
         Kyun main jiyun
Jeena bura sa lage

Kyun ho gaya Tu bewafa
         Mujhko bataa De wajeh

Tere bin main yun kaise Jiya

Sometimes some old wounds get opened and for no known reasons one feels uncontrollably sad. One looses every form of self control. One feels so down that there seems to be no answer to any question. Then again the questions themselves seem irrelevant. When one looses track of everything and everyone including oneself.

Why this happens suddenly and what causes this is completely unknown. So also a permanent solution for the same is highly elusive.

Even the Mahadev is not immune to this phenomenon. What solution to ask from him when he himself is suffering from such a condition.

What can a "Tuuch Maanav" expect to solve such a condition.

It seems there are some question that have no answers and some problems that have no solutions.

Why is the world made like this. Or has it always been like this and one has only now realised the truth of this callous world? But then again this question also has no answer.

Maybe one has become so knowledgeable that one has reached the limit of human knowledge and any further inquiry leads to no known solution.

Is it even a relevant pertinent thing?
Who knows.
More importantly, who can tell?

Why Shiv is a Loner?

At the time of creation of the Universe, Shakthi ie Energy was separated from Shiv to create and sustain everything in the universe. Shiv voluntarily gave up a part of himself for creation of everything. So in order that the universe runs smoothly Shiv has to sacrifice the most beloved part of himself

That's also why he is the destroyer of everything. All he has to do is take back his Shakthi from something, and that particular thing is destroyed

It is this separation that makes him a Loner, a sanyasi. Much against his personal wish, he has to make this sacrifice, this is what makes him sad (sad is an understatement)

Trying to understand his sorrow is so unimaginable to common people that nobody knows his real nature. In fact most of the people don't even know when he was born, who his parents are, where he lived.

Shiv Puran details his feelings of this loss and his uninterest in the affairs of this world. He is a Smashaan vaasi for the same reason. And thus represents ultimate reality of life ie Death.

All these facts are neither for Samsaaris ie social family people nor for the faint hearted. Sometimes Truth is Harsher than we can imagine, and few can accept truth as it is. People resort to lying because it is comfortable and convenient.

Tanhaai kyun???

Kyun aisi ummeed ki maine
           Jo aise naakam hui
Door banaai thi manzil to
          Raste main hi shaam hui
Ab kahan jaaun main
         Kisko samjhaaun main
Kyaa maine chaha tha aur
         kyun kismet me aayi "Tanhaai"

Dil ke raaste main kaisi
           thokar maine khaayi
Toote khwaab saare
           ek maayusi hai chaayi
Har khushi so gayi
          Zindagi kho gayi
Tumko jo Pyaar kya maine
           To sazaa me paayi "Tanhaai"

I fell in love with Mother India at the wrong point/stage of my life. I could've made a huge career out of my education and intelligence, but I chose to serve the country and ended up where I am today. Disoriented, uninterested, lost, destroyed, aimless, directionless, and many other -ve adjectives. And I don't see the need to come out of this stage anytime. That's why No socialising, no meeting people, no friend or enemy, no relations, no existence.

That's also why I run enthusiastically to perform any task the Govt entrusts me with. Whether putting Ink on fingers or observing or counting votes. And also the reason I follow the politics of the day. To see the fate of my Mother India.

Now, for myself, the only answer that makes sense is A Vairaagi Shiv and his unsocial ways. Someone who is as disoriented, uninterested, lost, destroyed, aimless, directionless, etc. , as me. No other way computes or makes sense.

Of Chaand, Chakors and Earth

Chaand ko kya maalum
Chaah ta hai use koi Chakor

Thus goes a song of those days.

Chakor ko kya maalum ki
Earth ke ek nahi do-do Chaand hai

What's even more intriguing is the fact that Earth has not one but two Moons. One is the familiar orb we see every night and Another small asteroid that was captured by earth's gravitational pull. Scientists have discovered that an asteroid hitherto circling our Sun has entered into orbit around the Sun on a path that perfectly coincides with that of our Earth. Strictly speaking the said asteroid doesn't orbit our Earth, like our Moon does, more like it follows the earth around the sun. We can't see it because it is too small an object and moreover it always lags behind earth in its orbit around the Sun.

So koi Chakoron ko jaake bathaye yeh baat taaki, they can be more specific as to which Chaand are they referring to.