Darkness Loneliness & Me !!

I was sitting in the darkness and wondering what's wrong with me? Why is it that I love darkness so much? What about this darkness attracts me so much? Am I drawn to darkness or does darkness find me on its own? No nothing is wrong with me. At least not physically, or medically. Or at least I don't consider anything's wrong with me. I have no bias either for light or darkness. Both mean the same to me.

Darkness & Loneliness together form what I consider the loveliest combination for me. 'Alone in the dark' is something I love being. I try to run away from both light & people, although I've nothing to hide & no one to hide from.

Some people talk of being lonely as a -ve thing. People associate Darkness & Loneliness with fear, weakness even evil!! But to me that combination is a state of self realisation. I'm my best when I'm alone in the Dark!

That doesn't mean I hate being in a group, either a group of my friends or some strangers. I'm also not known to be bad in a team. In fact team work is one of my major strengths. Anyone who knows me or has worked with me will tell you that I'm a Gregarious & to some extent Garrulous person.

All that said, I still have no idea how these 2 Conflicting personalities exist within me at the same time? More than conflicting I believe the 2 personalities compliment each other & there is no hindrance of One from the other. I certainly don't feel there are 2 Separate personalities. I'm the same single person to me.

Guess someone with socio-psychological knowledge should study me as a subject & find out & tell me too, Although I know the reason I've become like this, I don't understand how I can be 2 completely different persons at the same time!

Why I can't stop Loving "my" Kids

Why do I get the feeling that I can take care of the kids better than their parents? They are the Ones who gave birth to them. They are the rightful caretakers of the kids & also their legal Guardians. The kids belong to them. I have no claim over them. I dont stand any chance trying so either.

But, something inside me pulls me towards them, binds me to them, holds me back from giving up on their care.

Maybe its my love towards them. That silliest of feeling which has no meaning anywhere or to anyone anytime, nor does it have any stand in this rule & law driven society.

Maybe it's the fact that they share 1/4 of my DNA. Biologically I'm closely related to them. The relation of blood is a very strong one Afterall. People have given & taken lives for blood relations. What with blood feuds.

Maybe a part of what I lost all those years ago now lives inside of them. In which case I'm looking for that part of myself which died with my father, in "my"kids. I'm trying to emulate my father in loving & caring for the kids as he cared for me when I was a kid.

Or Maybe I desperately need to hold on to something +ve in my own life. In which case its only my selfishness my means of survival without which a Nihilist like me may very well perish with no trace ever of any existence. No one will ever know I existed & no one will either remember or care that I was ever alive. These kids & their love & affection towards me will remind them of me even after my death. In that sense I can become Immortal, just as I've kept my father alive in me.

I consider myself out of the way lucky because Even God thinks I 'm unworthy of a family or social life. Let alone kids, he thinks I can't even handle my Own parents properly.

Whatever may be the case, Right now I've got a chance of a lifetime playing with the Kids, loving & Caring for them, & I'm not going to loose a single moment or chance of being with them. Even if anyone thinks I'm overdoing my role of an Uncle. Who knows when I'll be dead or when I'll have to face my Curse of eternal loneliness again.

So for now it's:

Live each day as if there's no tomorrow

Kya hogaya sunder se is Duniya ko?

Ek Zamana aisa tha jab Duniya me keval achche log basaa karte the
Jo na keval apne apnonka khayal rakhte the balki doosron ka bhi khayal karte the.

Log sabhi se khule man se Milaa karte the, bhed bhaav na hota tha na kiya jaata tha. Kisi ko Kisi se koi shikayat nahi thi. Na Kisi ko Kisi ka Dar tha ki Kahin koi mera koi property na chura kar le jaaye.

Ab aisa ho gaya hai ki apne bhi apnonka khayal nahi karte! Doosron ka kya poochenge?

Aur to aur logon ka chhodo Duniya khud bhi itna badal gayee hai ki use kisika bhi khayal nahin. Use itnee bhi khabar nahin ki kaun uska khayal karta hai kaun uske bhale ke liye sochta hai aur kaun nahin. Yahan tak ki Bhagavaan bhi matlabi ho gaye hain. Aap unhe kuch rishwat de kar khush karo to badle main Woh aapki khwaaish poori karte hain. Yeh kaisi bhakti hai? Yeh kaisi Duniya hai? Jab bani thi tab aisi to nahin thi.

Bhavishya Puraan kehta hai ki Duniya is se bhi badttar hogi, aur neeche giregi. Tab Mahadev aa kar is bad haalat Duniya ka vinaash kar denge. Phir ek naye sire se iski shuruaat hogi. That is function of the Mahadev. To destroy evil!!

This is called the cycle of this world. It's not known when it will end or how long it will take to end, but surely it will end. It's also called the Judgment day in The Bible.

Signs of deterioration are all around us. What with women's insecurity, deterioration of the family, absolute disregard of intelligentsia, rule of the mob etc. These are all mentioned in that Puraan.

So let's hope the destruction of the world is not upon us in the near future.

Tere Bin Main Youn Kaise Jiya

Kab se aankhe meri
         Raah me tere bichee

Bhoole se hi kabhi
         Tu mil jaaye Kahin

Bhoole na mujhse
         Baaten Teri

Bheegi hai har pal
         Aankhe meri

Kyun saans loon
         Kyun main jiyun
Jeena bura sa lage

Kyun ho gaya Tu bewafa
         Mujhko bataa De wajeh

Tere bin main yun kaise Jiya

Sometimes some old wounds get opened and for no known reasons one feels uncontrollably sad. One looses every form of self control. One feels so down that there seems to be no answer to any question. Then again the questions themselves seem irrelevant. When one looses track of everything and everyone including oneself.

Why this happens suddenly and what causes this is completely unknown. So also a permanent solution for the same is highly elusive.

Even the Mahadev is not immune to this phenomenon. What solution to ask from him when he himself is suffering from such a condition.

What can a "Tuuch Maanav" expect to solve such a condition.

It seems there are some question that have no answers and some problems that have no solutions.

Why is the world made like this. Or has it always been like this and one has only now realised the truth of this callous world? But then again this question also has no answer.

Maybe one has become so knowledgeable that one has reached the limit of human knowledge and any further inquiry leads to no known solution.

Is it even a relevant pertinent thing?
Who knows.
More importantly, who can tell?

Why Shiv is a Loner?

At the time of creation of the Universe, Shakthi ie Energy was separated from Shiv to create and sustain everything in the universe. Shiv voluntarily gave up a part of himself for creation of everything. So in order that the universe runs smoothly Shiv has to sacrifice the most beloved part of himself

That's also why he is the destroyer of everything. All he has to do is take back his Shakthi from something, and that particular thing is destroyed

It is this separation that makes him a Loner, a sanyasi. Much against his personal wish, he has to make this sacrifice, this is what makes him sad (sad is an understatement)

Trying to understand his sorrow is so unimaginable to common people that nobody knows his real nature. In fact most of the people don't even know when he was born, who his parents are, where he lived.

Shiv Puran details his feelings of this loss and his uninterest in the affairs of this world. He is a Smashaan vaasi for the same reason. And thus represents ultimate reality of life ie Death.

All these facts are neither for Samsaaris ie social family people nor for the faint hearted. Sometimes Truth is Harsher than we can imagine, and few can accept truth as it is. People resort to lying because it is comfortable and convenient.

Tanhaai kyun???

Kyun aisi ummeed ki maine
           Jo aise naakam hui
Door banaai thi manzil to
          Raste main hi shaam hui
Ab kahan jaaun main
         Kisko samjhaaun main
Kyaa maine chaha tha aur
         kyun kismet me aayi "Tanhaai"

Dil ke raaste main kaisi
           thokar maine khaayi
Toote khwaab saare
           ek maayusi hai chaayi
Har khushi so gayi
          Zindagi kho gayi
Tumko jo Pyaar kya maine
           To sazaa me paayi "Tanhaai"

I fell in love with Mother India at the wrong point/stage of my life. I could've made a huge career out of my education and intelligence, but I chose to serve the country and ended up where I am today. Disoriented, uninterested, lost, destroyed, aimless, directionless, and many other -ve adjectives. And I don't see the need to come out of this stage anytime. That's why No socialising, no meeting people, no friend or enemy, no relations, no existence.

That's also why I run enthusiastically to perform any task the Govt entrusts me with. Whether putting Ink on fingers or observing or counting votes. And also the reason I follow the politics of the day. To see the fate of my Mother India.

Now, for myself, the only answer that makes sense is A Vairaagi Shiv and his unsocial ways. Someone who is as disoriented, uninterested, lost, destroyed, aimless, directionless, etc. , as me. No other way computes or makes sense.

Of Chaand, Chakors and Earth

Chaand ko kya maalum
Chaah ta hai use koi Chakor

Thus goes a song of those days.

Chakor ko kya maalum ki
Earth ke ek nahi do-do Chaand hai

What's even more intriguing is the fact that Earth has not one but two Moons. One is the familiar orb we see every night and Another small asteroid that was captured by earth's gravitational pull. Scientists have discovered that an asteroid hitherto circling our Sun has entered into orbit around the Sun on a path that perfectly coincides with that of our Earth. Strictly speaking the said asteroid doesn't orbit our Earth, like our Moon does, more like it follows the earth around the sun. We can't see it because it is too small an object and moreover it always lags behind earth in its orbit around the Sun.

So koi Chakoron ko jaake bathaye yeh baat taaki, they can be more specific as to which Chaand are they referring to.

Our next Generation

We have had a fairly good life with its ups and downs. We have seen a part of the world and have developed some idea to make sense of this vast world. Much more still remains to be seen and felt.

Not that we are going to die soon and not be able to see anymore of the world, but what's interesting is to see the world from the eyes of our next generation. What they perceive and make out of this immensely confusing world. If only we keep our eyes open for the perspective of our next generation, we learn that the world is a much more beautiful place than the one that we have seen.

The wonder is more pronounced when our younger generation inclines towards the very same thing or person that we once would fancy, all by themselves without even a small inkling of our own tendency towards such a thing. My nephew is all nuts about Madhuri Dixit, esp the song Ghaagra. He loves the song and her too. Now once upon a time nearly 18-20 years ago I used to like Madhuri for her songs esp Mohini, Saajan and many other movies. (That was an altogether different life, one that was social, which involved the world and it's people. Unlike my world for the last 10 years that's devoid of emotions, feelings and attachments.A life that I now regard as being an illusion. Something that many people never come out of, imagining the illusion itself to be Life)

Even more amazing is when this next generation shows us things that we never thought existed both in this world and within our very self.

In our school we were asked to write essay on the topic "Child is the father of Man" I was completely at loss for words and ideas on this topic. I couldn't imagine what it meant in the first place. But now I have first hand experience in this matter. Not that I'm the only one with such experience, I'm sure everyone who has gone through their children's childhood with heartfelt interest have experienced the same.

Who is Shiva?

It is surprising what people think of Shiva or of what he is or what he really represents. How much farther can people get from the real Shiva.

It is generally believed that Shiva is a God of the people, God who is Lord over everything, who takes care of everyone and fulfills everyone's wishes. They think of him as a guardian angel or something like that.

In fact he is exactly opposite of all that. He is a recluse who lives in a cave, hardly eats anything, smokes charas ganja, is disillusioned disoriented and hallucinating, hates meeting or being with people, who is himself in distress and needs help, who shuns the world(how can he be caretaker of the world), wears snake for necklace and dried seeds instead of flowers, smears himself with Ash, who neither dresses properly nor wears trimmed hairs, nor is he bothered with anything in this world either.

The only positive thing about him is that he is the upholder of the law. No matter who breaks the law or how, he makes sure that the right people are punished. Its Also a fact that he is the ultimate singer and dancer(artist) "Nataraj." And the source of all knowledge including the 4 Veda. Maybe someone so knowledgeable will ultimately become as reclusive and 'heaven may care' like as shiva!!

Mythology has given him prime place in the universe, ultimate authority over everything and power to appoint and remove Gods who take care of the various aspects of the world. It also considers him to be devon ke dev mahadev. But why, what for is a mystery.

Many people including many women idolise Shiva whereas the fact is that if they know the reality about Shiva, not only women, but even many a men, would shun, despise him. Something that Prajapati Daksh did.

Why Shiva?

Every relationship, whether spouse children or society as a whole, represents a binding on oneself that binds us to that which is not only an illusion (Maya) but also short lived (Nashwar)

Consequent to such binding, one is bound to do, perform certain duties towards these so called relatives(read loved ones, could very well be your spouse or children or parents). This binds one to these people and to this world which itself is short lived. And this binding also takes away one's freedom, makes one act in ways that one would not have had it not been for the binding.

The problem with such a binding is its difficult to let go of any of these relations. But the reality is relations are not meant to last. That is the root cause of pain and suffering among humans.

Wise men of the ancient past have discovered and enlightened us about the ill effects of Maya.

Shiva is the only one of all the heros of historical and mythological stories that not only understand this fact but also practice it verbatim. He also represents complete dissociation from all bindings and therefore truth and happiness bliss (Satyam Shivam Sundaram).

I'm not religious nor do I believe in any God who can help us with our sick excuse of a life in any way but I feel the ancients identified the problem correctly and Shiva comes closest to being the right solution to the said problem. That's why Shiva.

Jaane Woh kaise Log The

Jaane Woh kaise Log The Jin ke
             Pyaar ko Pyaar Milaa

Hum ne to jab kaliyaan maangi
             Kaanton ka haar Milaa

Amazing what feelings this songs represents.  That too it was sung way back in 1957.

One wonders how people say Life isn't about fair and unfair, but sometimes, just sometimes, one really questions the fairness of not only Life but the one who has given us this life.

Particularly when one gets the Lion's share of Unfair treatment, unjustly, one feels not only that the abovesaid question is irrelevant but Life itself is irrelevant. One tends to deny oneself of Life and it's joys in order to run away from the troubles and challenges that it throws at us.

This is what Shiva, the recluse, represents to me. Something I have begun emulating. I don't even know if that's the right thing to do. I neither know nor understand him or his ways completely.

But how long will one run? How long can one run! One runs so far and for so long that one forgets what it is that one is running away from!!

Hungry in the Evening?

The secret to avoiding hunger pangs in the evening is to spread your calories fairly evenly over the day.  This means always eating breakfast and never skipping a meal. This, in turn, will help keep your blood sugar levels stable, which is important in keeping hunger under control.  Also, try to eat little and often, never going longer than 3-4 hours without a small healthy snack.

 

I also recommend eating high fibre, nutrient-dense foods, which take longer for the body to digest and absorb and should fill you up for longer.  The best way to accomplish this is to avoid foods, and drinks, that contain sugar and ensure that your diet is rich in low glycaemic index (GI) foods. This includes eating wholewheat, brown carbohydrates in place of processed white ones e.g. wholemeal bread, wholewheat pasta or noodles and brown rice. When you have potatoes, make sure that you eat the fibre-rich skin too.

 

Make sure that you have some lean protein with each meal, and snack, as this also tends to fill you up for longer.  For example, a jacket potato and salad is very quickly digested, but by adding some tuna or cottage cheese you can create a much more filling and satisfying meal.    

 

Finally, if you know that you are going to want to have an evening snack it is a good idea to save a few calories and plan one into your day.  That way you remain in control and are less likely to eat something that you may later regret!  Good luck.

Meaning of Life?

Why build or own something or bind with someone when we know very well that

Death takes away what we hold dear

And Life takes away whatever is left

Shiv Mahadev says

Shiv Mahadev says

There's no God. Why do you need one? Nobody is going to come and save you. You have to help yourself. But then again Do you need saving? If so, from what?

There's no Heaven or Hell. Only Birth is the beginning and death is the end. There's no previous life or next life. No punya or paap follows you from any life to the next. All your punya paap will be dealt in this life only. There's no cycle of birth and rebirth.

Human life is no special from any animal's life. That's why one has to respect all life on earth.

No one single man is any special. Each and every one of us can be God for ourselves. Everyone of us has the potential to be GOD.

There's no question that cannot be answered. The universe is made in such a way that every question has an answer. All One has to do is look keenly for them. Help, in answering the questions, is always extended to one who truly seeks it. The more important thing is whether one has the right question to start with.

Society and social order are human creations and have no significance in the real world. The universe doesn't come with a manual of rules and principles. Freedom of the self is the key word in this universe. Social orders are only for inter personal socially acceptable interactions. But still these social orders bind you in several ways in the name of individual Liberty. How ridiculous is this. Liberation of the self is actually a liberation from these bonds. One has to rise above not only this social order but also above one's own self to the level of the universe to become One's own God.

This is what that IAS guy had also meant when he said there is no difference between you and not you in this universe, you and everything else in the universe are inescapably interwoven. There is no boundary between you and the rest of the universe.

Kabhi jo badal barse

Kabhi jo badal barse
Main dekhoon tujhe
                 aankhe bharke
Tu lage mujhe
                 pehli baarish ki dua


Sometimes women are not worth the importance that we give them. We may regard them as goddesses or infallible or n number of such lofty adjectives. Sometimes we tend to compare them with such beautiful things of the world as Rains, Snow, Sunshine etc. But the fact remains that these natural phenomena are far more superlative than anything we feel for in any women. I must say that many a women are not even worthy of a simple praise either. Very rarely we do find such a praiseworthy woman and jump to high gear Iin praise resulting in the song as above.

The same theory maybe equally applicable to men too.I don't say that men are "doodh ke dhule". But I wouldn't know, being a man myself I'm bound to be partial.

Women are the best judges of the applicability of this theory to men. We should give women this right seeing as we have taken the liberty with them.